My parents joke that I came out of my mother’s womb kicking and screaming and demanding my own way. To say the least I loved life and I loved attention. Growing up I was a bit of a tomboy and dare devil. I wanted to push the boundaries, push myself, and for sure push my parents to the end the their rope – just to see their eyes go buggy! I loved life and even as a young girl enjoyed the feelings of greatness that surrounded me. I wanted to run and feel the breeze push my hair back, I wanted to jump and feel myself flying, if even for a moment in time, I even wanted to fall and feel the powerful edge of pain, for in every feeling I could feel power and I ached for all of it. In my early teenage years I have to admit that I was well known in my small private school. To say the least, I was a handful.
I was in my 16th year when I made the decision to purposefully and pridefully turn my back on God. Sure, I had been making some bad decisions before that, but I came to a distinct fork in the road. My path was laid out before me and I could go right, or I could go left. With my eyes wide open and my spirit knowing full well the outcome, I arrogantly and spitefully chose against God. From that moment on I closed my heart, my ears and my eyes to Gods desires for me, my life, and ultimately, my family.
Regardless of the exactly why or who did what, it was me who was in control of the direction of my life all those years ago. Unfortunately, my chosen paths led me further away from God and towards bitterness, anger and fear. I faced divorce, the pains of re-marriage and growing a blended family together, countless custody battles in which my family was being threatened to be torn apart, years of struggle with unemployment, and even more years of poverty. Yet, so many times I enjoyed my bitterness, my anger, my sin. I wrapped my anger, bitterness and need for control around me and feed it and watched it grow. No other emotion could get in, there was no room, and it seemed, no need. Anger can be very fulfilling for a time, but as hours turn to days, days to years I was left feeling empty, alone and fearful. Fear would then become a driving emotion, dictating my feelings, my decisions and my behaviors.
Yet God had different plans for me and brought a strong woman of faith into my life and she just kept at me, telling me that God was just waiting for me to look up, to repent, to finally admit that I could not do life alone. That God was waiting for me to put my hand in His and let Him carry my burden. I often had heard the saying “God will never give you more than you can handle”, and as I walked though my third, and most torturous, custody battle and continued poverty, my rebellious spirit finally broke. I wept and finally gave it all back, I laid down my bitterness, anger, fear and rebelliousness and put God as the Lord in my life.
Looking back though, I can see that God was with me, beside me each time I went through a struggle, or bump in the road, whether I wanted Him there or not. Even when I shunned God and turned my back on him, He stood beside me, loving me, watching over me, never once leaving me. What reassurance that brings me today when I face a problem. God knew that I would need strong people in my life to stand up to me, to challenge me, confront me and comfort me. In the midst of my any struggle I now face, I have strong women of faith that will speak words of wisdom, strength and courage.
Still today, I would rather run than walk, shout than talk, weep than cry. Hindsight, they say is always 20/20, but for years I was looking back with my own eyes and I couldn’t see a thing, it was not until I saw through Gods eyes that my vision became clear.